Change...it is something that a lot of people don't like. Change usually means to get out of one's comfort zone.
There have been many changes in my life recently. Some major, some minor, some for the good, some for the bad. Are all the changes beneficial to my life? Time will tell. Do I like all the changes? No, but again this takes me back to the question are they beneficial? If I can accept the changes, and find the positive side of it, well then yes. There will always be change, or advancements wether it is in world events, work situations or personal lives and situations. Some changes can be good on a personal level, or for the public. Then again, there are other changes that are bad, and wrong. Take a look at the changes in public television. The changes that have taken place over the years morally are wrong. Shows like I Dream of Jeannie for instance stood behind good morals when they didn't show Jeannie's belly button. Now a days, it is nothing to see females nude on primetime tv.
Change isn't always for the better, but non-the-less, there will always be change. It is all in how we handle the change, and what we do with it.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Emotions
How many emotions are there??? Let's name a few, and see what we have.
Right now, I am feeling so many emotions, I am almost feeling numb, even empty, not quite being able to identify one specific emotion.
I have been so badly hurt lately...so much blame being put on me for so many things. There are people out there that give me way to much credit, for claiming that I can control other people, situations or even the weather.
First came the control from my husband, making me feel like I am some little kid, having to ask permission for such things as where I can go, or even how much money I get, to what I spend that money on.
I feel like I no longer have control over anything, not even my emotions, because everyone else is doing what they can to control the way I feel.
It seems to me, after the texts we got from his ex yesterday, that she is pretty upset that she couldn't force me to drive close to 7 hours to get Joe. What she doesn't know, is that Mike made that decision, not me. The weather was iffy in some of the areas that I would have been driving through, and with that, wanted to know that I would be safe.
Ha, she thinks I manipulated her, when all along it was my husband...this is hilarious to me!!! She has no clue. Hence the texts she sent.
Now, here is where the real hurt comes in. My husband refuses to set her straight. He is afraid to upset her for fear that she is going to take him to court for child support. Afraid to upset her, and not willing to defend me. This really makes me feel like I don't mean as much to him as he claims I do.
Oh...I don't feel wanted, needed, loved or desired anymore. Maybe it's because I am overweight, and he has managed to lose weight. My husband of 10 years who used to sing, "You are so beautiful to me", and who used to tell me he couldn't get enough of me, now barely tells me he loves me.
Where did I go wrong? I have had more blame put on me than what I desire. Blaming me for his son wanting to move out, blaming me because his daughter wanted to move out, blaming me for his past drinking problem and blaming me for identity theft resulting in us losing $1,200.00.
Again, they think I have so much power, and yet I feel powerless to fight the emotions or sometimes lack of emotions that plague me. My emotions are jumbled, undefineable, not one particular can I feel. I usually treat myself by allowing myself to become absorbed in my sketching or crafts, and yet, I can't. I find myself empty and without focus. I want to be able to create something beautiful, and yet no matter how deep within myself I look, there is nothing there.
Nothing...not even an emotion that I can define.
This brings about a concern with me, and when I get the chance, I plan on going to a psychologist. There are things I need to deal with, and am tired of holding back. Truths that need to be told, realities that need to be faced, and the roots of my uncertainties hunted out like an elusive wild game to bring me the resolve I have been looking for for many years.
Will I find them all, and be able to destroy the monster that is eating me from the inside out?
Time will tell.
- Love
- Hate
- Anger
- Lust
- Lonliness
- Resentment
- Frustration
- Contentment
- Meloncholy
- Jealousy
- Hurt
- Mourning
- Elation
- Happy
- Pissed
- Bored
Right now, I am feeling so many emotions, I am almost feeling numb, even empty, not quite being able to identify one specific emotion.
I have been so badly hurt lately...so much blame being put on me for so many things. There are people out there that give me way to much credit, for claiming that I can control other people, situations or even the weather.
First came the control from my husband, making me feel like I am some little kid, having to ask permission for such things as where I can go, or even how much money I get, to what I spend that money on.
I feel like I no longer have control over anything, not even my emotions, because everyone else is doing what they can to control the way I feel.
It seems to me, after the texts we got from his ex yesterday, that she is pretty upset that she couldn't force me to drive close to 7 hours to get Joe. What she doesn't know, is that Mike made that decision, not me. The weather was iffy in some of the areas that I would have been driving through, and with that, wanted to know that I would be safe.
Ha, she thinks I manipulated her, when all along it was my husband...this is hilarious to me!!! She has no clue. Hence the texts she sent.
Now, here is where the real hurt comes in. My husband refuses to set her straight. He is afraid to upset her for fear that she is going to take him to court for child support. Afraid to upset her, and not willing to defend me. This really makes me feel like I don't mean as much to him as he claims I do.
Oh...I don't feel wanted, needed, loved or desired anymore. Maybe it's because I am overweight, and he has managed to lose weight. My husband of 10 years who used to sing, "You are so beautiful to me", and who used to tell me he couldn't get enough of me, now barely tells me he loves me.
Where did I go wrong? I have had more blame put on me than what I desire. Blaming me for his son wanting to move out, blaming me because his daughter wanted to move out, blaming me for his past drinking problem and blaming me for identity theft resulting in us losing $1,200.00.
Again, they think I have so much power, and yet I feel powerless to fight the emotions or sometimes lack of emotions that plague me. My emotions are jumbled, undefineable, not one particular can I feel. I usually treat myself by allowing myself to become absorbed in my sketching or crafts, and yet, I can't. I find myself empty and without focus. I want to be able to create something beautiful, and yet no matter how deep within myself I look, there is nothing there.
Nothing...not even an emotion that I can define.
This brings about a concern with me, and when I get the chance, I plan on going to a psychologist. There are things I need to deal with, and am tired of holding back. Truths that need to be told, realities that need to be faced, and the roots of my uncertainties hunted out like an elusive wild game to bring me the resolve I have been looking for for many years.
Will I find them all, and be able to destroy the monster that is eating me from the inside out?
Time will tell.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Control
What is control?? Control is a verb, an action word. Its meaning as described at Dictionary.com is to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command. This is life, and alot of what life consists of. Parents controlling thier kids, bosses controlling thier workers, the government controlling many aspects of our lives, and the list goes on. Control, when used in a positive manner can be a good and protective action, especially when it is motivated by love.
When you take a view of your life, you can see how even you take control over certain things. Pets, finances, the color scheme of your home or even your looks.
Control is a very powerful thing. I was once told by someone very wise, "He/She that angers you controls you." This can be said of every situation in our lives. It has been proven that control and power go hand in hand. Once a person realizes that they have control over someone, this gives them a sense of power over that person. That power can be used for good in such cases as Law Enforcement, Prisons, Rehabilitation centers, The Military and so on.
When one finds that the power they now have makes them feel like "nothing" can stop them, is when it becomes dangerous.
Take a husband who finds that his wife is fairly submissive and somewhat eager to please. A husband who is very strong willed, and feels like he "has the authority" to make the wife do what ever he wants. Then one day the wife decides she is tired of being bossed around....What happens??...in many cases this leads to some form of abuse, whether it is verbal, physical or psychological.
Right now, I am having control issues. The husband is not abusive, but is enjoying being controlling over money. Why should I have to go without certain things, and he is able to get whatever he needs?
I guess a job is in order. Hoping that I get the one that I have been hoping for.
When you take a view of your life, you can see how even you take control over certain things. Pets, finances, the color scheme of your home or even your looks.
Control is a very powerful thing. I was once told by someone very wise, "He/She that angers you controls you." This can be said of every situation in our lives. It has been proven that control and power go hand in hand. Once a person realizes that they have control over someone, this gives them a sense of power over that person. That power can be used for good in such cases as Law Enforcement, Prisons, Rehabilitation centers, The Military and so on.
When one finds that the power they now have makes them feel like "nothing" can stop them, is when it becomes dangerous.
Take a husband who finds that his wife is fairly submissive and somewhat eager to please. A husband who is very strong willed, and feels like he "has the authority" to make the wife do what ever he wants. Then one day the wife decides she is tired of being bossed around....What happens??...in many cases this leads to some form of abuse, whether it is verbal, physical or psychological.
Right now, I am having control issues. The husband is not abusive, but is enjoying being controlling over money. Why should I have to go without certain things, and he is able to get whatever he needs?
I guess a job is in order. Hoping that I get the one that I have been hoping for.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Remembering when...
I was sitting here today watching the snow come down, and dancing around the yard as the wind pushed the flakes on thier own predestined course, and realized it's been 11 years since the blizzard of '78. Those were the years...the years of adolesence, high school, and the only responsibilities we really had was to clean our room & learn.
It was days of discovery and exploration, as we did when it was safe to go outside. Life was simpler back then. Was life perfect...????...of course not. I have yet to see anyone who has or have had a perfect life. When we are in the midst of our own storm, looking at another's life may appear to be perfect, but once you are inside that other person's life, you see perfection does not live there either.
To remember those years makes me wonder why I was in such a rush to grow up. I guess we always think it will be better when we are old enough to make our own decisions, but if you have not paid attention to what you have been taught, the decisions you make could be the wrong ones.
There are really not too many things that I regret, because at the time, they were the things I "wanted" to do. There are, however, things I wish I could undo, take back, or even waited a bit later in life to do. I won't name those things right now, because they are really of no importance for this writing.
I will say that every word spoken, and every action taken will ALWAYS affect a person's future. Sometimes it is the immediate future or a little later. Then there are those things that we speak and do that can affect our future much later down the road. Use caution, advance slowly and always think of the outcome you would like to have out of an action or words spoken.
"Positive thoughts and actions bring about positive reactions. Negative thoughts and actions bring about negative reactions."
What kind of actions are you looking for in life?
It was days of discovery and exploration, as we did when it was safe to go outside. Life was simpler back then. Was life perfect...????...of course not. I have yet to see anyone who has or have had a perfect life. When we are in the midst of our own storm, looking at another's life may appear to be perfect, but once you are inside that other person's life, you see perfection does not live there either.
To remember those years makes me wonder why I was in such a rush to grow up. I guess we always think it will be better when we are old enough to make our own decisions, but if you have not paid attention to what you have been taught, the decisions you make could be the wrong ones.
There are really not too many things that I regret, because at the time, they were the things I "wanted" to do. There are, however, things I wish I could undo, take back, or even waited a bit later in life to do. I won't name those things right now, because they are really of no importance for this writing.
I will say that every word spoken, and every action taken will ALWAYS affect a person's future. Sometimes it is the immediate future or a little later. Then there are those things that we speak and do that can affect our future much later down the road. Use caution, advance slowly and always think of the outcome you would like to have out of an action or words spoken.
"Positive thoughts and actions bring about positive reactions. Negative thoughts and actions bring about negative reactions."
What kind of actions are you looking for in life?
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Teenagers & Hearts
You know, a very wise woman once told me that I would raise these 2 step kids, and once they hit the teen years, that they would turn around and break my heart, crap all over me and forget all that I had done for them. I told her..."no way, that isn't going to happen to me." Well, it has happened. I am nothing to them. No matter how much love and guidance I have tried to give them, it doesn't matter. Thier mom waltzes back into thier lives off and on, and now she is mother of the year???
Where was she when these kids were hurting...all the nightmares, plays, drs. appointments, parent-teacher conferences and so on? Where was she...???...off building HER life and career, never putting the kids first. Now all of a sudden she wants to glide right in, and have the kids. She puts so much importance on money, money, money, that the kids think that this is the one important thing in life.
As I sit here with a broken heart, feeling like I have been betrayed and stabbed in the back, and then my heart ripped out and stomped on all over the floor, I do know that Vengence is Mine says the Lord.
I have done nothing wrong, and yet they make me feel like I am the worst person in the world.
Good luck to her is what I say.
Where was she when these kids were hurting...all the nightmares, plays, drs. appointments, parent-teacher conferences and so on? Where was she...???...off building HER life and career, never putting the kids first. Now all of a sudden she wants to glide right in, and have the kids. She puts so much importance on money, money, money, that the kids think that this is the one important thing in life.
As I sit here with a broken heart, feeling like I have been betrayed and stabbed in the back, and then my heart ripped out and stomped on all over the floor, I do know that Vengence is Mine says the Lord.
I have done nothing wrong, and yet they make me feel like I am the worst person in the world.
Good luck to her is what I say.
Health
Well, here it is early Sunday afternoon, and we missed church. Didn't just miss, but I woke up feeling really bad. Headache, cramps, bloating and so on. I am sure that I don't have to go into great explanation as to what it ailing me.
There are many times I find myself enraged because Eve just had to have that apple, and even let Satan trick her into thinking it was ok. Was she just not listening when God said no??? I think Adam should have been a bit more clear on the riles that god had set forth before Eve was even made.
Regardless, here I sit, basking in the curse, and dealing with it.
There are many times I find myself enraged because Eve just had to have that apple, and even let Satan trick her into thinking it was ok. Was she just not listening when God said no??? I think Adam should have been a bit more clear on the riles that god had set forth before Eve was even made.
Regardless, here I sit, basking in the curse, and dealing with it.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Charles Manson & Linda Kasabian
I just got done watching "Manson" on the History channel. I was a little over 4 years old when the Tate/LaBianca murders took place. It seemed like for days, weeks even months that is all that was heard on the tv, radio, news papers and it was all that anyone was talking about.
Charles Manson is a person that truly makes me believe that demons DO possess and influence people. It is not a normal person that could ever instruct or influence others to commit such heinous acts upon another human being. Drugs can't take the blame. Now don't get me wrong, I in NO WAY INDORSE OR AGREE WITH THE DISTRIBUTION OR USE OF DRUGS UNLESS PRESCRIBED BY A LISCENSED DOCTOR.
I feel that Manson took advantage of young people who were looking for ways of fitting in, during a time of "open love", war and many other things that marked that era. Psycadelic drugs were claimed to be something, or a vessel used to "find one's inner self", thier power, and ablility to "love" those around them, or at least as the song went, "...if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."
Below I have pasted a summary as posted on a web page about Linda Kasabian, and her broken 40 year silence about the murders, and her time on Spahn Ranch with Manson and "The Family".
Courtesy of Robin McKie
Charles Manson follower ends her silence 40 years after night of slaughterThe 1960s, the decade of love, came to an abrubt and bloody end when Charles Manson's 'family' murdered actress Sharon Tate and her friends. Now, accomplice Linda Kasabian, tells the full story of that awful night for the first time, reports Robin McKie
Buzz up!
Digg it
Robin McKie The Observer, Sunday 2 August 2009 Article historyThey were the murders that ended the 1960s, the decade of love, in a bloodbath that shocked the world. Now, on the 40th anniversary of the killing of Hollywood actress Sharon Tate and her friends by Charles Manson's "Family", the gang member whose testimony convicted the killers has revealed for the first time her full involvement in the crimes.
On the night of 9 August 1969, Linda Kasabian was sent by Manson with three other members of his Family - Tex Watson, Susan Atkins and Patricia "Katie" Krenwinkel - to break into Tate's home. There they tied up the actress and her friends and stabbed them to death. Kasabian acted as look-out.
Tate was married to the film director Roman Polanski and was eight months' pregnant. In the interview with Kasabian, to be screened in the docu-drama Manson on Channel Five next week, she tells how Tate pleaded in vain for the life of her unborn child. She was stabbed 16 times. Her killers wrote the word "pig" in her blood on the wall of her house.
"I saw a woman in a white dress and she had blood all over her and she was screaming and she was calling for her mom. I saw Katie stabbing her," says Kasabian, who is now 60. "I thought about going to a house where there were lights down the road and then I said, 'No, don't do that, because they'll find me and kill all those people'. So I went down the hill and I got into the car and I just stayed there and waited."
The killings horrified America and the rest of the world and the subject has continued to fascinate ever since. It is not hard to see why. Manson's strange, hypnotic hold over his followers turned a group of peaceful hippies living in a commune into a group of merciless killers. In addition, the case involved a range of celebrity names including the Beatles, the Beach Boys, and record producer Terry Melcher, the son of Doris Day.
In the end, Manson was convicted of the murders of nine people, thanks to Kasabian who was the prosecution's star witness at his trial in 1970 - although he and his followers claimed they had, in fact, "offed" a total of 35 people whose bodies had been buried in the desert. It is a claim "that may be high, but could still be true", according to Vincent Bugliosi, the lawyer who prosecuted them.
"The Manson murders sounded the death knell for hippies and all they symbolically represented," Bugliosi told the Observer last week. "They closed an era. The 60s, the decade of love, ended on that night, on 9 August 1969."
Kasabian had been living in hiding, under an assumed name, since the trial. The documentary is her first full public interview since her appearance 20 years ago on an American cable chat show. "I could never accept the fact that I was not punished for my involvement," says Kasabian. "I felt then what I feel now, always and forever, that it was a waste of life that had no reason, no rhyme."
Kasabian was a 20-year-old hippy with a 16-month daughter in July 1969 when she met members of Manson's Family and was asked to join their commune at a dilapidated ranch known as Spahn's. There she met Manson, a 32-year-old racist who had already spent more than half his life in jail. About 20 people were living on the ranch, maintained by a life of petty crime and selling drugs.
"Manson - who was uneducated but highly intelligent - had this phenomenal ability to gain control over other people and get them to do terrible things," said Bugliosi. "Eventually he convinced them that he was the second coming: Christ and the Devil all wrapped up in the same person."
Armageddon was coming, Manson claimed as part of his racist, anti-establishment gospel that predicted a black uprising against the state. Once that was over, he and his followers would take over America. Manson named this insurrection Helter Skelter because he believed details of it were revealed in the song of the same name on the Beatles' White Album. "A typical day would be Charlie playing guitar, telling stories, dancing around just being free," Kasabian states in the documentary. In fact, Manson was a talented musician who had met Beach Boys drummer Dennis Wilson. The pair had recorded a few tracks, including one jointly written song "Never Learn Not to Love" that was subsequently recorded by the Beach Boys.
Manson also tried to set up a record contract with the producer Terry Melcher, but the deal had fallen through, a development that was to lead directly to the murders of Tate and her friends. Manson was angry with Melcher for not pursuing the deal and arrived at the latter's house at 10050 Cielo Drive to confront him. However, Melcher had moved on and the house was now occupied by Roman Polanski and Sharon Tate. Manson was told to leave.
"This residence - 10050 Cielo Drive - where Tate and Polanski now lived, came to symbolise the establishment to Charles Manson, particularly the establishment's rejection of him," said Bugliosi. By now, Manson's control over his Family was virtually total, and on 25 July he ordered three of them to go to the house of a drug-dealing acquaintance, Gary Hinman, to demand money. Hinman refused, so they stabbed him to death, using his blood to paint the words "political piggy" on the wall - a grim rehearsal for what would occur at Tate's house.
Then Manson ordered Kasabian, Watson, Atkins and Krenwinkel to drive to Cielo Drive. "I felt excited, special, chosen," recalls Kasabian. "When we arrived at the Tate residence there were lights on the outside, the driveway was lit up. Tex got a rope and wire cutters and cut the telephone wires. There was a car coming so we got down. Tex jumped out and shot the gun four times. He told me to take the wallet from the kid he had shot. I got in the car. There was this person slumped over. I didn't see any blood or anything but I knew he wasn't there."
The others went inside the house. Polanski was in Europe, but Tate was entertaining her friends Wojtek Frykowski, Abigail Folger and Jay Sebring. "You are all going to die," Watson told them after tying them with rope. There was a desperate fight in which all four victims were stabbed to death. A total of 102 wounds were inflicted. As they drove off, Kasabian took the weapons, wiped them clean and dropped them in a ravine.
The next day Manson sent his Family out again to kill and this time, at random, he selected the house of Leno and Rosemary LaBianca, wealthy owners of a chain of grocery stores. Manson broke in and tied them up. Then he left, ordering three of the Family to stab them to death. Manson was involved in at least one more murder - of an acquaintance known as "Shorty" Shea - before his arrest in October. However, it was for his instigation of the slaying of Tate and her friends that he will always be remembered.
"Some people point to the extreme brutality of the murders to explain our enduring interest, but you know we have had killings even more brutal in America,' said Bugliosi. "And yes, the victims were prominent people but they weren't that prominent. But what really gives the Tate killings such durability is the fact they are the most bizarre murders in the recorded annals of American crime. If they had been written as fiction no one would have read it. It would have seemed too far out. After all, the story has just about everything - Beatles lyrics spelled out in blood, quotes from the Bible, and nice kids from average families being persuaded to go on horrible killing sprees.
"The very name Manson has now become a metaphor for evil as a result. The name is synonymous with evil today. Mike Tyson, when he was applying for reinstatement of his boxing licence, admitted he was a bad guy but insisted 'I am not Charlie Manson'. Certainly Manson was different from all other mass murderers. He got others to do his work and he was intelligent and manipulative. Most deranged cult leaders end up getting their followers to commit suicide en masse. Manson got them to carry out mass murders. That is why we remember him."
How the hunt for Linda Kasabian led TV producers to a trailer park
Nick Godwin, the Cineflix executive producer responsible for making Manson, had only an assumed name to go on when his company began its search for Linda Kasabian. "We also had a vague area, somewhere in the west of America, in which she was said to be living," he told the Observer
So his team tracked down each woman with that name and ruled them out one by one - until they had a shortlist of two.
"One was a school librarian in California who was very surprised to be mistaken for an accessory to mass murder," said Godwin. The other was living in near-poverty in a trailer. Her details were checked out and fitted those of Linda Kasabian, but when contacted by the company she refused to cooperate. "None of her friends or neighbours knew about her dramatic past," said Godwin.
It took six months to establish a rapport and to get Linda to tell the story of the four weeks she lived with the Manson Family. Then she was shown a tape of the programme in which actors portray her and other gang members . "Linda had her entire extended family sitting in the trailer for the viewing. It was an emotional experience. Linda's daughter cried throughout the murder scene. But Linda said it accurately portrayed what happened."
She also had no idea that a British band had been named after her. So Cineflix gave her a CD by Kasabian to listen to. She was pleasantly surprised, said Godwin.
As to Linda's role in the conviction of Manson and the rest of his Family, the prosecutor at the trial, Vincent Bugliosi, is in no doubt. "She never asked for immunity from prosecution, but we gave it," he said. "She stood in the witness box for 17 or 18 days and never broke down, despite the incredible pressure she was under. I doubt we would have convicted Manson without her."
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/aug/02/charles-manson-linda-kasabian-polanski
Charles Manson is a person that truly makes me believe that demons DO possess and influence people. It is not a normal person that could ever instruct or influence others to commit such heinous acts upon another human being. Drugs can't take the blame. Now don't get me wrong, I in NO WAY INDORSE OR AGREE WITH THE DISTRIBUTION OR USE OF DRUGS UNLESS PRESCRIBED BY A LISCENSED DOCTOR.
I feel that Manson took advantage of young people who were looking for ways of fitting in, during a time of "open love", war and many other things that marked that era. Psycadelic drugs were claimed to be something, or a vessel used to "find one's inner self", thier power, and ablility to "love" those around them, or at least as the song went, "...if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with."
Below I have pasted a summary as posted on a web page about Linda Kasabian, and her broken 40 year silence about the murders, and her time on Spahn Ranch with Manson and "The Family".
Courtesy of Robin McKie
Charles Manson follower ends her silence 40 years after night of slaughterThe 1960s, the decade of love, came to an abrubt and bloody end when Charles Manson's 'family' murdered actress Sharon Tate and her friends. Now, accomplice Linda Kasabian, tells the full story of that awful night for the first time, reports Robin McKie
Buzz up!
Digg it
Robin McKie The Observer, Sunday 2 August 2009 Article historyThey were the murders that ended the 1960s, the decade of love, in a bloodbath that shocked the world. Now, on the 40th anniversary of the killing of Hollywood actress Sharon Tate and her friends by Charles Manson's "Family", the gang member whose testimony convicted the killers has revealed for the first time her full involvement in the crimes.
On the night of 9 August 1969, Linda Kasabian was sent by Manson with three other members of his Family - Tex Watson, Susan Atkins and Patricia "Katie" Krenwinkel - to break into Tate's home. There they tied up the actress and her friends and stabbed them to death. Kasabian acted as look-out.
Tate was married to the film director Roman Polanski and was eight months' pregnant. In the interview with Kasabian, to be screened in the docu-drama Manson on Channel Five next week, she tells how Tate pleaded in vain for the life of her unborn child. She was stabbed 16 times. Her killers wrote the word "pig" in her blood on the wall of her house.
"I saw a woman in a white dress and she had blood all over her and she was screaming and she was calling for her mom. I saw Katie stabbing her," says Kasabian, who is now 60. "I thought about going to a house where there were lights down the road and then I said, 'No, don't do that, because they'll find me and kill all those people'. So I went down the hill and I got into the car and I just stayed there and waited."
The killings horrified America and the rest of the world and the subject has continued to fascinate ever since. It is not hard to see why. Manson's strange, hypnotic hold over his followers turned a group of peaceful hippies living in a commune into a group of merciless killers. In addition, the case involved a range of celebrity names including the Beatles, the Beach Boys, and record producer Terry Melcher, the son of Doris Day.
In the end, Manson was convicted of the murders of nine people, thanks to Kasabian who was the prosecution's star witness at his trial in 1970 - although he and his followers claimed they had, in fact, "offed" a total of 35 people whose bodies had been buried in the desert. It is a claim "that may be high, but could still be true", according to Vincent Bugliosi, the lawyer who prosecuted them.
"The Manson murders sounded the death knell for hippies and all they symbolically represented," Bugliosi told the Observer last week. "They closed an era. The 60s, the decade of love, ended on that night, on 9 August 1969."
Kasabian had been living in hiding, under an assumed name, since the trial. The documentary is her first full public interview since her appearance 20 years ago on an American cable chat show. "I could never accept the fact that I was not punished for my involvement," says Kasabian. "I felt then what I feel now, always and forever, that it was a waste of life that had no reason, no rhyme."
Kasabian was a 20-year-old hippy with a 16-month daughter in July 1969 when she met members of Manson's Family and was asked to join their commune at a dilapidated ranch known as Spahn's. There she met Manson, a 32-year-old racist who had already spent more than half his life in jail. About 20 people were living on the ranch, maintained by a life of petty crime and selling drugs.
"Manson - who was uneducated but highly intelligent - had this phenomenal ability to gain control over other people and get them to do terrible things," said Bugliosi. "Eventually he convinced them that he was the second coming: Christ and the Devil all wrapped up in the same person."
Armageddon was coming, Manson claimed as part of his racist, anti-establishment gospel that predicted a black uprising against the state. Once that was over, he and his followers would take over America. Manson named this insurrection Helter Skelter because he believed details of it were revealed in the song of the same name on the Beatles' White Album. "A typical day would be Charlie playing guitar, telling stories, dancing around just being free," Kasabian states in the documentary. In fact, Manson was a talented musician who had met Beach Boys drummer Dennis Wilson. The pair had recorded a few tracks, including one jointly written song "Never Learn Not to Love" that was subsequently recorded by the Beach Boys.
Manson also tried to set up a record contract with the producer Terry Melcher, but the deal had fallen through, a development that was to lead directly to the murders of Tate and her friends. Manson was angry with Melcher for not pursuing the deal and arrived at the latter's house at 10050 Cielo Drive to confront him. However, Melcher had moved on and the house was now occupied by Roman Polanski and Sharon Tate. Manson was told to leave.
"This residence - 10050 Cielo Drive - where Tate and Polanski now lived, came to symbolise the establishment to Charles Manson, particularly the establishment's rejection of him," said Bugliosi. By now, Manson's control over his Family was virtually total, and on 25 July he ordered three of them to go to the house of a drug-dealing acquaintance, Gary Hinman, to demand money. Hinman refused, so they stabbed him to death, using his blood to paint the words "political piggy" on the wall - a grim rehearsal for what would occur at Tate's house.
Then Manson ordered Kasabian, Watson, Atkins and Krenwinkel to drive to Cielo Drive. "I felt excited, special, chosen," recalls Kasabian. "When we arrived at the Tate residence there were lights on the outside, the driveway was lit up. Tex got a rope and wire cutters and cut the telephone wires. There was a car coming so we got down. Tex jumped out and shot the gun four times. He told me to take the wallet from the kid he had shot. I got in the car. There was this person slumped over. I didn't see any blood or anything but I knew he wasn't there."
The others went inside the house. Polanski was in Europe, but Tate was entertaining her friends Wojtek Frykowski, Abigail Folger and Jay Sebring. "You are all going to die," Watson told them after tying them with rope. There was a desperate fight in which all four victims were stabbed to death. A total of 102 wounds were inflicted. As they drove off, Kasabian took the weapons, wiped them clean and dropped them in a ravine.
The next day Manson sent his Family out again to kill and this time, at random, he selected the house of Leno and Rosemary LaBianca, wealthy owners of a chain of grocery stores. Manson broke in and tied them up. Then he left, ordering three of the Family to stab them to death. Manson was involved in at least one more murder - of an acquaintance known as "Shorty" Shea - before his arrest in October. However, it was for his instigation of the slaying of Tate and her friends that he will always be remembered.
"Some people point to the extreme brutality of the murders to explain our enduring interest, but you know we have had killings even more brutal in America,' said Bugliosi. "And yes, the victims were prominent people but they weren't that prominent. But what really gives the Tate killings such durability is the fact they are the most bizarre murders in the recorded annals of American crime. If they had been written as fiction no one would have read it. It would have seemed too far out. After all, the story has just about everything - Beatles lyrics spelled out in blood, quotes from the Bible, and nice kids from average families being persuaded to go on horrible killing sprees.
"The very name Manson has now become a metaphor for evil as a result. The name is synonymous with evil today. Mike Tyson, when he was applying for reinstatement of his boxing licence, admitted he was a bad guy but insisted 'I am not Charlie Manson'. Certainly Manson was different from all other mass murderers. He got others to do his work and he was intelligent and manipulative. Most deranged cult leaders end up getting their followers to commit suicide en masse. Manson got them to carry out mass murders. That is why we remember him."
How the hunt for Linda Kasabian led TV producers to a trailer park
Nick Godwin, the Cineflix executive producer responsible for making Manson, had only an assumed name to go on when his company began its search for Linda Kasabian. "We also had a vague area, somewhere in the west of America, in which she was said to be living," he told the Observer
So his team tracked down each woman with that name and ruled them out one by one - until they had a shortlist of two.
"One was a school librarian in California who was very surprised to be mistaken for an accessory to mass murder," said Godwin. The other was living in near-poverty in a trailer. Her details were checked out and fitted those of Linda Kasabian, but when contacted by the company she refused to cooperate. "None of her friends or neighbours knew about her dramatic past," said Godwin.
It took six months to establish a rapport and to get Linda to tell the story of the four weeks she lived with the Manson Family. Then she was shown a tape of the programme in which actors portray her and other gang members . "Linda had her entire extended family sitting in the trailer for the viewing. It was an emotional experience. Linda's daughter cried throughout the murder scene. But Linda said it accurately portrayed what happened."
She also had no idea that a British band had been named after her. So Cineflix gave her a CD by Kasabian to listen to. She was pleasantly surprised, said Godwin.
As to Linda's role in the conviction of Manson and the rest of his Family, the prosecutor at the trial, Vincent Bugliosi, is in no doubt. "She never asked for immunity from prosecution, but we gave it," he said. "She stood in the witness box for 17 or 18 days and never broke down, despite the incredible pressure she was under. I doubt we would have convicted Manson without her."
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/aug/02/charles-manson-linda-kasabian-polanski
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