Emotions

How many emotions are there??? Let's name a few, and see what we have.

• Love
• Hate
• Anger
• Lust
• Lonliness
• Resentment
• Frustration
• Contentment
• Meloncholy
• Jealousy
• Hurt
• Mourning
• Elation
• Happy
• Pissed
• Bored

This is just to name a few. I may have even repeated a few, but that's ok...they are just variations of another.
Right now, I am feeling so many emotions, I am almost feeling numb, even empty, not quite being able to identify one specific emotion.
I have been so badly hurt lately...so much blame being put on me for so many things. There are people out there that give me way to much credit, for claiming that I can control other people, situations or even the weather.
First came the control from my husband, making me feel like I am some little kid, having to ask permission for such things as where I can go, or even how much money I get, to what I spend that money on.
I feel like I no longer have control over anything, not even my emotions, because everyone else is doing what they can to control the way I feel.

It seems to me, after the texts we got from his ex yesterday, that she is pretty upset that she couldn't force me to drive close to 7 hours to get Joe. What she doesn't know, is that Mike made that decision, not me. The weather was iffy in some of the areas that I would have been driving through, and with that, wanted to know that I would be safe.
Ha, she thinks I manipulated her, when all along it was my husband...this is hilarious to me!!! She has no clue. Hence the texts she sent.

Now, here is where the real hurt comes in. My husband refuses to set her straight. He is afraid to upset her for fear that she is going to take him to court for child support. Afraid to upset her, and not willing to defend me. This really makes me feel like I don't mean as much to him as he claims I do.

Oh...I don't feel wanted, needed, loved or desired anymore. Maybe it's because I am overweight, and he has managed to lose weight. My husband of 10 years who used to sing, "You are so beautiful to me", and who used to tell me he couldn't get enough of me, now barely tells me he loves me.

Where did I go wrong? I have had more blame put on me than what I desire. Blaming me for his son wanting to move out, blaming me because his daughter wanted to move out, blaming me for his past drinking problem and blaming me for identity theft resulting in us losing $1,200.00.

Again, they think I have so much power, and yet I feel powerless to fight the emotions or sometimes lack of emotions that plague me. My emotions are jumbled, undefineable, not one particular can I feel. I usually treat myself by allowing myself to become absorbed in my sketching or crafts, and yet, I can't. I find myself empty and without focus. I want to be able to create something beautiful, and yet no matter how deep within myself I look, there is nothing there.

Nothing...not even an emotion that I can define.
This brings about a concern with me, and when I get the chance, I plan on going to a psychologist. There are things I need to deal with, and am tired of holding back. Truths that need to be told, realities that need to be faced, and the roots of my uncertainties hunted out like an elusive wild game to bring me the resolve I have been looking for for many years.

Will I find them all, and be able to destroy the monster that is eating me from the inside out?
Time will tell.